


Mo Cuishle

by Kestrealbird



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: But not explicit, Canonical Character Death, Mythology - Freeform, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, first pov cuz it's a letter, that he won't get until you're dead, writing a letter to your bro who you're in love with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrealbird/pseuds/Kestrealbird
Summary: A letter written from Diarmuid to Fionn, about love and the inevitability of death
Relationships: Diarmuid ua Duibhne | Lancer & Fionn mac Cumhaill | Lancer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Mo Cuishle

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a sad mood and wanted to write some unrequited FionnDiar since that's all I talk about on my blog lately so /dabs/
> 
> Mo Cuishle means "my pulse" in Irish Gaelic and is used as a romantic term of endearment for people who "make your heart beat"

Fionn mac Cumhaill, my greatest friend and treasure, I fear for your state when this letter finds you, for it shall surely mean I have departed you and I must apologize now for keeping the truth a secret. I awoke, you see, just a few hours ago at the time of this writing, for my dreams were visited by The Morrigan and she sat beside me at the River, washing the blood from my armours, a warning of my coming death

It shall be soon, I know, for the blood was immense, and so thick I could hardly tell difference between that and the dirt beneath my feet. I dared not tell you, of course, because I know you and I know you would have tried to keep me safe. But we cannot defy the fates. You know this better than I, surely? 

That is not the reason I am writing this letter. I wish to - to clear the air between us. Confess, if you will, of my own selfishness

When we were boys I often wished I had never met you, for you were kind and gentle and sincere and I have never since encountered anyone quite like you, and back then I had no idea for how to handle such affections and so I was unfairly mean and callous with my words. You softened me, and I have spent many nights trying to figure out when or how you did it to no avail

I loved you as a friend and a brother-in-arms but...you know it ran deeper than that. I loved you the way a man should love his wife and a woman should love her husband. I loved you the way your wives did and the way you loved them in return; with enough force that it felt like the air was being stolen from my lungs, my heart a painful, agonizing ache within my breast

I wanted you for myself and I greedily took whatever you were willing to offer me as a result. I felt a smugness whenever we bathed together - when I would wash your hair and braid it in patterns like a golden crown - and I almost cried whenever you sought me out for a good night’s rest, falling asleep curled in my arms, trusting me to protect you and care for you

Having you spread naked beneath my hands as I kneaded away your aches was both a torture and a pleasure, one I would gladly relive over and over again

You first wife, Oonagh, I accused of stealing from me, because I was here first and I had loved you longer and I felt cheated out of what my blood said should be mine. But that was not the truth; I had never spoken to you of my affections then, and I have no more right to claim you as possession than the wolf did to claim the bear’s kill

I learned to like her, of course, but the jealousy never quite faded. She made you happy, however, and that was more than enough for me. It got easier with every wife you took, you know. I knew, sometime during your search for dear Sadhbh, that you would never return my feelings for you, and it was not an easy thing to accept but I did and I chose to stay beside you regardless. I loved you too much to leave you over unrequitedness

Even now, writing this letter, it pains me to know I will never have you the way I so desperately wished. But that longing is a mere trifle; a simple sacrifice if it means being your friend, your confidante, your knight and your brother. You love me, still, it is just a different sort, and I am flattered to have known you as long and as well as I do. Thankful that you have let me live and thrive beside you

The boar shall no doubt kill me - be it tomorrow or the next sunday morn - and I have made my peace with this fact. But, Fionn, Mo Cuishle, you must not dwell on my death or shoulder the blame onto yourself as you so often do; you could not save me even if you tried and you must accept this, even if it means screaming yourself hoarse and cursing me for keeping this all to myself, but if I had not then...

You know that I am weak for you and I would have cheated my own fate - I would have damned the innocents - if that is what you had begged, nay, _demanded_ of me. I confess to my own selfishness and confess that you have owned my heart, my life, my loyalty, since the day you held my hands and told me that I was worth every ounce of affection you gave me

I love you. And it is because I love you that I accept my death, for it means that I shall not live in a world without you in it

Forgive me


End file.
